13 Weeks: Baby Rials 2.0 - Emotions

We just turned 14 weeks, so today I'll be reviewing our 13th week pregnant with this sweet babe.

13 Week Update:

Baby: Size of a peach, weighing in at .81 ounces, and 2.9 inches long.  Baby's vocal cords and teeth are forming.  Even though baby's still teeny, he/she already has fingerprints.  Finished up the last week of the 1st trimester, which means we've completed one whole third of the pregnancy!

We had a doctor's appointment this week and baby's heart rate was 168. 

Mama: There is definitely NO hiding this belly anymore! Still fitting into my pre-pregnancy clothes.  I've gained nearly 4 pounds already (thanks to some Girl Scout cookies... I won't name any names haha).  Craving cold, juicy fruit especially strawberries... and cookies ;) 

I've been getting sharp shooting pains around my belly button and my OB said my abdominal muscles are being overworked.  I've been unconsciously holding my belly in which is causing them to be over used and spasms.  Round ligament pains have also made an appearance, OUCH!

Physical Health: I got one workout in this week... which was more than last week, so I'll take that.  I did a Hammer and Chisel workout at home where I lifted weights.  I also walked 3 miles pulling Charlotte in the wagon one day this week.

My goal for this coming week is to workout Mon, Wed, and Friday.

Mental/Emotional Health: As I stated earlier I had a doctor's appointment this week.  We talked a lot about my anxiety with labor, delivery, and recovery.  I LOVE my doctor, she really let me lead the conversation, asked all the right questions, and what I came away with was that I'm letting my emotions control me WAY too much... in a negative way.

So today I wanted to discuss my 6 Steps To Controlling Emotions.  Emotions are the most present, pressing and sometimes painful force in our lives. We are driven day by day by our emotions.  In my case, it's the negative emotions that must be handled with extreme care.  It's the negative emotions that tend to spiral out of control for me, especially when triggered.

Here are some tips that I use, often daily, to control my negative emotions:

1.  Don't react right away. Take a deep breath and stabilize the overwhelming impulse to react, you'll most likely regret something later if you do. Continue to breathe deeply for five minutes, feeling as your muscles relax and your heart rate returns to normal. As you become calmer, affirm to yourself that this is only temporary.

2. Ask for divine guidance. When burdened with emotion, close your eyes, envision a positive solution to your problem, and ask the universe to illuminate the best path forward.

3.  Find a healthy outlet. Now that you've managed your emotion, you'll need to release it in a healthy way. Emotions should never be bottled up. Call or go see someone you trust and talk to them about what happened.  Exercise, meditation, or taking a relaxing bath are other ways to release.

4.  See the bigger picture. Wisdom means being able to see past the moment and figure out the greater meaning of any given situation. You may not understand it at the moment, but as time goes by, you'll begin to see the bigger picture falling into place.

5.  Replace your thoughts. Negative emotions bind us to recurring negative thoughts, creating cycles of downright negative patterns. Replace those with a different thought. Imagine the ideal resolution to your problem playing out, think about someone who makes you happy or remember an event that makes you smile.  Concentrating on what I can control is my biggest sense of relief.

6.  Forgive your emotional triggers. Your emotional triggers may be your best friend, your family members, yourself or all of the above.  When you forgive, you detach from the resentment, the jealousy or the fury lingering within you.

I hope these steps can help you, as they've helped me, to take more control of your emotional well being and live more in the present, happy, and healthy.

12 Weeks with Baby Rials 2.0

12 Week Update:

We'll have to thank my professional photographer hubby for missing the bump in this shot ;) ...and with a toddler, another pic was NOT going to happen!

These updates will be a week in review.  I turned 13 weeks pregnant this weekend, so today I'll be discussing how my 12th week went, make sense?!

So far this pregnancy has been relatively easy (I hope I'm not jinxing myself by saying that, but I'm pretty confident things will continue on this path as we're heading into the 2nd trimester!).

Baby: Size of a plum, weighing in at half an ounce, and just over 2 inches long.  Reflexes are developing, most critical systems are formed, and baby can open and close fingers and curl toes too. 

Mama: They say my hormones have started to calm down a bit, but my husband might have a differing opinion on that one.  There is NO hiding this belly anymore!  My body is VERY aware of what is going on, has been down this road before, so out popped the belly.

Physical Health: I'll be honest, I did not get a single workout in this week and I have no good excuse except to say I just didn't make it a priority.  Although, we did go to the zoo one morning where I pulled two toddlers up and down the hills.  We also did our weekly Parent-Tot Gymnastics class which is 45 min of me huffing and puffing, chasing her around, helping her tumble, balance, hold her on the rings and bars, and thankfully rest a bit during the last 5 min of open play.  She ABSOLUTELY LOVES gymnastics and I'm so happy we are able to provide her with this activity.

Mental/Emotional Health: I've been really struggling with this department, to the point where I cry when ever I start to think about the future.  We have an OBGYN appointment on Wednesday where I plan on discussing things more in depth with my provider, as my gut says this isn't exactly a healthy response to being pregnant. 

To put it simply, I'm scared that all the hard/tough/bad stuff is going to happen again, and it will only be more difficult this time around as I'll have a little toddler to look after at the same time.  I'm not really looking for advice or encouragement on the subject at this point.  It's just some really tough emotional things I have to work through to get to a point of peace, acceptance, and gratitude.

I do know that I have come a REALLY long way from the person I was when I was suffering through PPD with Charlotte.  I have an absolutely amazing support system, I'm stronger on so many levels, and have much more resources and tools to help me get through the tough stuff this time around.  I'm able to self evaluate and know that I need extra support right now and that it's imperative I ask for that help and not suffer through this silently thinking I'm going through it alone or that I'm not normal and no one will understand.

My goal with my blog this time around is to not be so superficial with my journey.  But talk about the tough, scary stuff; celebrate my successes proudly; show gratitude for where I am in my journey; and possibly help someone else out there going through the same thing know they aren't along.

Thank you for taking the time to read my story, I appreciate the support and encouragement you bring to me and can't wait to see what unfolds.  Happy weekend!

Our BIG Announcement

Well I guess it's time for the world to know ... Charlotte is going to be a BIG SISTER!!

We found out just before Christmas and couldn't wait to share the exciting news with our close friends and family. 

Mommy has been feeling really good for the most part, even able to keep up with her new workout program 4-5 days out of the week. Still in normal clothes, but loving stretchy yoga pants and pj's. Pregnancy pillow (The Bump Nest) has a so re-entered the picture, and Charlotte is loving it more than momma!

This week, Sweet Baby Rials is the size of a plum, just over 2 inches and weighing in at 1/2 an ounce. Most of baby's critical systems are fully formed. Baby's about to enter the growth and maturation stage, in which organs and tissues will grow and develop rapidly. Baby is now developing reflexes, if you poke Baby, likely will move.

Stay tuned as I'll be doing weekly updates again during this pregnancy, excited to share this experience with all of you!

15 Months: Making Waves at Swim Lessons

Well, to say it's been a while since I last blogged is the understatement of the year.  But my BFF Erin posted last night her birth story of having her twins and I was inspired to set aside some time at least once a month to update the world on our beautiful Charlotte.

This week's adventure: Swim Lessons

Jeremy and I went back and forth for nearly two weeks after coming back from our Hawaiian adventure on what type of swim lessons we should enroll Charlotte in.  We went to the pool with a few friends that weekend and Charlotte was stepping off the edge into the deep end where daddy could catch her.  This little girl has adventure and fearlessness written all over her.  I know this from previously enrolling her in infant swim that having children jump into your arms in the pool gives them a false sense of security and leads them to believe that if and when they fall in a pool someone will always be there to catch them.

She LOVES the water and all last week I was letting her go under water as she stepped off the pool bench to me and immediately turning her to float on her back.  She did so without tears, but a bit of hesitation with floating.

We struggled between the decision to put her in a two week advanced swim class where she goes 4x/wk for 30 minute session, or ISR (which is learning safety techniques) 5x/wk for 10 min.  It came down to budget, and for the next two weeks she'll be enrolled in SwimKids USA Jump Start program.

Yesterday was her first lesson and thankfully the other two children didn't show up because she as soon as I handed her off to her instructor, the tears came.  She held onto his swim shirt with a death grip and anytime he pulled her away to sit on the step, hold onto the wall, change position, her world was coming to an end.

I found myself glancing from left to right, sure I would be getting side glances from all of the other parents as I had "that" child who was going to hate to learn to swim.  But what I found were empathetic eyes as moms and dads shared their children did the same.  HUGE internal sigh of relief!  But I was also a bit in shock about how uncomfortable she was.  She LOVES the water....what's her deal?

Well her morning nap was 20 minutes at best, with nearly 30 minutes of crying to get there; and I had to wake her up from her afternoon nap to get to swim.  She usually eats right after nap, and I didn't get a chance to feed her anything, and on top of all of that, she's got 3 teeth coming in, one of which is a molar (yes, it's been a rough few weeks).

After about half of the session had passed, her instructor slowly made his way toward me and asked, "does she like fishy crackers by any chance?"  Our go-to mute button, OF COURSE SHE DOES! I think I said that a little too enthusiastically.  Well, ONE fish did the trick....ONE!

A whole new toddler emerged and she rocked the second half of her lesson.  She floated on her back, head resting on his shoulder.  She sat on the step like a big girl for over a minute without needing prompting to stay put.  She held onto the edge of the pool wall independently for 30+ seconds, and she even went under water a few times without flinching.

Today she'll head to swim with daddy, so I'm interested to see if that makes any difference.  I also wonder if she'll be the only one again, or if her two partners in crime will show up.  I never quite understood when mother's told me, after expressing my unconditional love for my daughter, that "it only gets better."  But man is that true.  I am LOVING this stage of development, making huge leaps with her vocabulary, learning to swim, being her adorable sassy self.  Yes, it's exhausting being in constant learning mode, but she's taking it all in stride and I couldn't be more proud of the little girl that she is becoming.

Here's a few pics from her first official lesson:

Floating on her back:

Sitting like a big girl on the step:

Holding onto the wall all by herself:

Charlotte Rose: 7 months

I think I've started every one of Charlotte update posts exactly the same way...where the hell have the last 7 months gone?!  I seriously feel like I blinked and my baby is graduating from college haha!  Okay, maybe not that dramatic, but still.

But I don't yearn for the newborn days.  Being a therapist that worked with children, all I wanted to see was growth, milestones met, goals achieved.  I look forward to her crawling and walking, swimming, jumping, talking, saying mama, much more then I like looking back.  I actually had another mom explain the first few months of her daughters life to me, and a light switch went off...."YES, me too!"

What did she say?  She said she felt like she missed out on the first few months of her daughters life because of postpartum depression.

First though, we'll talk about the good (because tears in the first 5 minutes of writing are never a good way to start).

Charlotte was one of the first names I mentioned to Jeremy that I liked.  I wanted to nickname her Charlie...so cute, right?!  When our sweet babe entered the world and we brought her home, Jeremy started calling her Lottie.  I was not so sure about this new nickname, but I didn't feel like Charlie fit her either, she's too girly for it I think.  But the more he used Lottie, the more it grew on me.

So what's our Lottie up to these days?

• She's 15.5 pounds, 25.25 inches long
• Rolling
• Sitting independently
• Army crawling
• Standing with one hand support
• "Dances" when her music toys play
• Trying to walk along the couch
• Starting to sign milk and wave
• Going underwater at swim class (holding her breath and closing her eyes)
• LOVES splashing in the pool and bath water
• Eating mashed: bananas, carrots, avocado, and pears - and a mixture of them as well
• Almost sleeping through the night
• 2+ naps/day

She is such an observer, and is always looking around to see what's going on.  She only sleeps in the car or in her crib/playpen because if we're anywhere else she needs to be a nosy nelly and be all up in everyone's business.  She loves her play dates with her friends Sage, Ryah, and Tatum; and likes going on walks with baby Leo and baby Sarah.  She loves visiting her great grandma every week after swim practice and blowing her raspberries.

Well...after all that good stuff, I don't want to relive the bad.  So for today, I think I'll end it with some adorable 7 month pictures of beautiful babe.

Week 10: Surgery...tomorrow???

Well, the recovery road continues...

I knew that this day was a possibility as I went into my doctor's appointment Tuesday June 24 knowing deep down that this new cream hadn't worked, that my body hadn't somehow changed it's mind and started to heal itself like it should have long ago.

I guess I should back up a little, as some don't know the full history of my recovery issues.  From about 10 days postpartum I have been in and out of doctor's offices on a weekly if not daily basis.  Whether that be my OBGYN, the lactation consultant, pediatric appointments for Charlotte, or tongue tie procedures; we have been on the go from early on.

My OB noticed from around week 4 that my tear was not healing as it should and started interventions at that point.  I had also done some things on my own, including sitz baths, using essential oils, resting as much as possible.  But even with medical interventions, my tear was not healing.  They would have me try something new for a couple of weeks and then come in for a follow up appointment, where minimal, if any, progress had been made.

At week 9 my OB thought that we should go ahead and schedule surgery to assist in repairing the tissue.  She had an additional doctor come in for a second opinion and he suggested estrogen cream for one more week, and if no improvement at that point, surgical repair would be the final step.  So, I went in for my follow up on Tuesday and she said, "How's tomorrow work for you?"

It's been three days since my surgery and it somehow still feels like a dream, that this isn't really happening to me, and I'm ready to wake up from this nightmare and be back to normal.

I've never had surgery before, never had to be put under anesthesia for anything, so I was nervous to say the least.  My biggest concern was nursing Charlotte, and keeping my supply up if I had to take a break from feeding due to medications.  My doctor reassured me that I would be able to feed her once before going into surgery, and that I may have to pump and dump once, but then could go back to our normal feeding schedule.

With only 24 hours notice, I started pumping every session I was nursing Charlotte on the opposite side (BIG thanks to Elisa for sharing this advice with me!!).  I wold be gone for about 6 hours and wanted to prevent giving her formula as much as possible.  I know giving her formula isn't that big of a deal to most people out there, but it does in fact give her a bit of digestive issues, and I just feel better feeding her my milk.  So, somehow, I managed to pump nearly 10 ounces by the time I left for the hospital.

My mom, without hesitation, immediately came up to help us out.  She stayed home with Charlotte while Jeremy and I made the all too familiar trek to the hospital.  We had to check in at 1:00 pm on Wednesday and the surgery was scheduled for 3:00 pm.  I brought my pump to the hospital and was able to pump just before they wheeled me back.

My doctor came in first, after the pre-op nurse took my vitals, put in my IV and prepped me for surgery.  She reassured me again that I would be able to nurse Charlotte after pumping and dumping once and I felt relieved. She answered all of my questions honestly and matter of factually.  The anesthesiologist came in next with the nurse who would be with me during surgery.  I do feel it's important to note that he was male (and has no idea what breastfeeding and formula mean to an exclusively breastfeeding mama).  I asked him when I would be able to feed Charlotte next and he told me 24 hours after surgery.  I immediately started crying.  He explained why, and the nurses asked why I was so upset.  Other then the fact that I wouldn't be able to feed my daughter, I was scared.  I didn't know what any of this would be like, how would recovery be this time around, would this surgery actually work?  So, she offered to give me something to calm me down.  I kissed Jeremy goodbye, and they wheeled me back to surgery.

I don't remember much about the operating room.  I recall them saying they would put an oxygen mask over my nose and mouth and it would smell like a beach ball, but don't remember that actually happening.  The next thing I remember, I was was waking up in the recovery room crying.  The nurse asked what was wrong, and I said I just wanted to be able to nurse Charlotte.  She was...a witch to put it nicely.  She said something along the lines of, "why do you want to give your baby all those drungs?!"  Thanks for the empathy lady, I appreciate it!  I asked over and over for Jeremy and she said it would be an hour before I would be able to see him.

Thankfully another nurse came on shift and was so much more pleasant and helpful; amazing actually.  She immediately put me at ease and assisted Jeremy with getting me ready to go back home.  Jeremy said my doctor came out and talked to him, explaining everything had gone well.  That they didn't have to take out as much tissue as she though she was originally going to have to, and said she would call me later on that evening to check up on me.

On our way home she did in fact call.  She immediately apologized for the poor bedside manner of the anesthesiologist.  She explained that she called the anesthesiologist that she normally works with in OB surgeries (who by the way is a woman, and was out of town on vacation) and explained to her what medications I received and at what dosage.  This anesthesiologist said what my doctor had originally told me.  Pump and dump once and get back to nursing my daughter.  I have never felt more taken care of by a person in the medical field as I did at that point.

So where do we go from here?  My doctor explained to me that she believes I will heal in about two weeks.  So, I made my follow up appointment and we'll just have to wait and see.  I know that this is a very minor set back.  I didn't have any problems conceiving, my pregnancy was pretty uneventful, and although I had a long labor, I came home with a beautiful baby girl.  I'm otherwise in great health, but I can't help but feel as though my body has betrayed me.

Tuesday night, the night before my surgery, I laid in bed nursing my daughter and crying to my husband.  Not understanding why this is happening to me.  What lesson am I supposed to be learning from all of this?  Patience? Understanding that everything isn't in my control?  It just doesn't seem fair.  I'm not holding my breath this is going to be a fix all, it hasn't been that way up until this point.  My glass is half empty.  I don't want to get my hopes up and go back in two weeks just to hear it hasn't gone as well as I hoped it would.

Good vibes my way would be much appreciated!

Charlotte Rose: Week 7

 We are quickly approaching the 8 week mark...2 months already?!  How is this possible?  The time has flown by and I can't believe how much I have learned in the past couple of weeks.  I'm definitely hoping to blog more frequently then once a month, but not pressuring myself into that.  I would love to record every little detail of our babe, but I'm also realistic on the expectations of my own time.

Something I wanted to discuss this post was the topic of attachment parenting.  Surprisingly, when I was pregnant, I did not go into information overload.  I am definitely a Type-A personality and have bought books upon books, as well as researched many of topics that have come up throughout my adult life.  But while pregnant, that was the last thing I wanted to do.  I wanted to experience things on my own without others opinions or unneeded information clouding my own judgement.  Of course when things popped up, like my Group B Strep test results, I researched enough to fulfill my own needs, but again tried not to overload on the information. (my husband might have a different opinion on that last statement)

This was also true with how we were going to parent our new baby.  I knew I wanted to breastfeed, and we had registered for a bassinet so the baby could sleep next to us the first few months.  But other then that, I guess we wanted to see how things went before committing to anything.

I had heard of co-sleeping, and always thought to myself, "aren't the afraid of rolling over onto their baby, or SIDS, ...and what about how it effect the relationship with their significant other???"  I had also heard of baby wearing, and had registered for the baby k'tan as I had heard good reviews.  We had friends who raved about wearing their babies throughout the day, how much easier it made their lives, and despite other's opinions of their children becoming "clingy" it was actually quite the opposite.

Once Charlotte got here and we attempted breastfeeding, I was quick to learn it was just easier to keep her in bed with us as we were feeding on demand rather then trying to set some sort of schedule.  She always seemed to wake up when I tried to put her back into the bassinet after nursing; and when she woke up and wanted to nurse, I could more quickly attend to her needs if she was already in the bed with us.  Less crying = happier baby and mama (and daddy).

I haven't been the best at wearing Charlotte.  Her favorite position is over the shoulder, and the only position I had learned to put her in the sling was the "Newborn Kangaroo" position.  She didn't really like this as her favorite position is being high up over the shoulder to explore.  As she's gotten older we have been able to adapt to new positions that I think will work better for us, and she actually ends up falling asleep while I do dishes or laundry, which is great!

Keeping Charlotte so close all the time has helped nurture our bond. I feel like I am more able to efficiently meet her needs as it has made me more attentive and I've learned to interpret her nonverbal cues.  For example, I know when she whines and doesn't really cry or get red in the face she usually needs a diaper change.  If she's smacking her lips or eating her hands she's hungry.  If I don't catch those cues fast enough and she starts to cry and get red in the face I know she's hungry.  So I would say we naturally fell into attachment parenting.

The thing I didn't expect was thinking I'd be judged on these techniques.  I'm always hesitant to tell people we're co-sleeping, and I think that's because I was quick to judge others prior to having my own child.  I've learned throughout this process to be willing to be flexible.  This works for us now, but it may not in a few months.  We'll just have to wait and see.

In other news, mom and baby are doing well.  I'm still not fully healed but I have been cleared to do some light exercise.  I am so ecstatic about this, and know it will also help me mentally.  We are currently breastfeeding with shields.  Our lactation consultant would like me to gradually stop using them and attempt nursing without, but I'm addicted.  It's just so easy to put them on and she latches right away.  Without is...well, it's work.  I feel like they're my crutch and I just need to put them away for a few hours and really try.  Maybe that'll be my goal for the rest of the week.

Charlotte is amazing!  She is so much more alert, I can tell her vision is improving as she will track things that are further away from her.  She is doing really well during tummy time and is keeping her head up off the play mat a couple of inches for a minute or so at a time.  She is starting to coo and her voice is getting louder.  She does this little yelp as a warning cry before she gets really mad, which I think is so cute.  She smiles so much more during the mornings, especially when I'm changing her diaper.  We got my mom an iPad for Mother's Day and have been face-timing a couple of times a week.

I'll add some pictures soon of our many adventures...